CGR Undertow – THE LITTLE MERMAID: MAGIC IN TWO KINGDOMS review for Game Boy Advance
You know, I don’t mean to complain, but… I wanna play…a game that doesn’t suck. I
wanna have…wanna have some fun. But this goddamn game is no fun. It’s The Little Mermaid: Magic In Two Kingdoms. …Game Boy Ad-vance! So I don’t know if you could tell, but…I’m
a big fan of The Little Mermaid. Big fan of Ariel, too. Pretty sure Ariel was the first
time I became aware of my sexuality, as a child. Like, it probably moved, so. Pretty
groundbreaking movie. And not only that, it got a good video game, too. Remember all those
Disney games from Capcom? The Little Mermaid was one of them. And it
was actually kind of fun. This one’s not as much fun. I mean, I just sang a whole song about it. Magic In Two Kingdoms was released in 2006.
That’s 17 years after the movie. Timely, right? But no big deal, the classic Disney movies
are timeless. And The Little Mermaid is one of them, no question. It started the Disney
Renaissance, which led to movies like Beauty and the Beast. And Belle was even hotter than
Ariel. But that’s not the point. I mean, let’s not get weird here. The point is, this game’s
not as good as the Capcom game. It’s just not as good. Oh, and it’s about half as long. As the movie. No joke? It took me about 45 minutes to finish
this game. And that’s finish. Like, from the title screen to the credits. And, listen…I
think games are way too long these days. To me, 40 hours is just ridiculous. But I don’t
want 40 minutes. That’s ridiculous, too. This whole thing is, just…completely ridiculous.
I mean, look at how she swims. It’s ridiculous. So you play as Ariel. At least, sometimes.
The game just follows the events of the movie, so your character changes from level to level.
And so does what you’re doing, for that matter. This is actually a minigame. Game. First level
is a swimming level, where you’re collecting treasure. Second level, you’re trying to avoid
crap, in the ocean. Then it gets minigamey, with rhythm games…oh, and now you’re Sebastian.
In the worst platformer ever. Although, to be fair, the way the game changes
from level to level is actually a cool idea. The game never really gets stale, because
you’re always doing something different. The problem is, none of it’s all that fun, or
very well done. And that rhymes, so you know it’s real. Also, it’s 45 minutes long, what the f*ck. So the gameplay is diverse, and even if it’s
not that much fun, it at least controls well. So kids won’t have any trouble playing it.
Although, that said…there is some weirdness. Like, I’ve never seen anything swim like that.
That’s not how science works—or mermaids. It’s like magic, or witchcraft of some kind.
And the rhythm games…aren’t even rhythm games. Like, you just push the buttons. You don’t
even have to do it in order. What kind of lesson is that, for the children? The presentation is a bit better, although…even
that’s kind of weird. You get images from the movie, which is cool…but man, those
sprites. It looks like a coloring book without the outlines, you know? Just kind of weird.
But at the very least, it’s colorful. And you get music from the movie, which is awesome.
I’m a sucker for Disney music. And seashell bras. Every woman should own one. No, but the biggest problem here is the length.
Eight minigames, less than an hour of gameplay in the story mode…and believe me, none of
the minigames are deep enough to play again. With more content, this might’ve been an okay
little kids game. But for a game that released for like 20 dollars? I mean, this feels more
like a 99 cent mobile game. Which proves…it’s not always better down
where it’s wetter. Sebastian. It’s The Little Mermaid: Magic In Two Kingdoms. Never trust a crab.