Virtual Chess 64: Chess Experts – PART 1 – Game Grumps
♫IN THIS CORNER GRUMP♫ I’m a grump! ♫IN THE OTHER CORNER NOT-SO-GRUMP♫ ♫IT’S GAME GRUMPS VERSUSSSS♫ ( cheering ) Arin: Hey! Dan: Hello, and welcome to- Oh, what is this? Arin: I’ve been trying to get into the title screen but it just doesn’t- it doesn’t work this game’s so old and it’s so laggy and its so- so- Dan: Well, it is old in that it’s from 1998 But it’s also- it’s- this is “Virtual Chess 64” it also is 10 years more recent than Battle Chess for NES which it looks worse than… Arin: Yeah, which is a better game. Aright, so I’m playing against Dan. I’m- I’m the white side, and he’s the black side Dan: Right. Arin: I’m- what the fuck is… (Dan laughs) Arin: What is happ… what the fu..? oh my god? Dan: I would imagine move the wooden arrow-spear over what you want? Arin: What the fuck? This is- This is horrible. This is horrible! …Alright. Dan: Now you push a button? Arin: Yeah Y- Jesus! Stop moving around! Dan: Oh boy… Arin: This is horrible, this game. Dan: Okay uhh… Arin: It’s Horrible. Dan: wait how do I move? Arin: you d– we have to use the same controller. Dan: Oh come on, alright… Arin: We have to use the same controller. Dan: (laughs) Okay here we go. Arin: This is- when was this game- who invented this game? Dan: I don’t- I do not know. Arin: There’s Battle Chesses that are way better than this! Dan: I couldn’t agree more. uh… Arin: J-Hay-zoos! (Jesus) Dan :Uh, Okay. Huh, huh, huh, huh, (laughs) Arin: There you go you’re moving that knight? Dan: Yeah, uh- Arin: Thanks for the controller Dan. Dan: No problem buddy. Arin: Are you threatening that? Are you threatening? Well, then I will… …back that up. I will back dat pawn up. Dan: Yeah, not dat ass because that’s- that’s got a That’s got a mind of its own. This is SO ugly to look at. Arin: (laughs) Dan: Oh my God. Arin: Wait till you get to the fight scene, Dan! Dan: Oh… Oh, does it have fight scenes like Battle Chess? Arin: Now, what is this? Why’d you move your horse there? Dan: It’s a knight first of all (laughs) Arin: Ohhhhhhhhhhh…. Dan: Arin and I have played chess What do you think about 20 times now? Arin: Nnnnn…Yeah… Dan: Is that fair to say? Arin: That’s fair to say. Dan: Cool. Arin: I don’t know why I moved him. Sure, I’ll just mirror all your moves. Dan: (laughs) Dan: Well, I’m- I’m trying different techniques this time. Arin: Yeah. Arin: Yeah, I was wondering I was like why is that knight there? This is like the worst perspective! I can’t see the Pawns! Dan: Yeah this is very ugly. Arin: Is there a way to like change it to top view so that we can see what the fuck is going on? Dan: I don’t know. Maybe we can, maybe there is… Arin: no… Dan: Okay. Arin: We gotta- We gotta start taking some pieces so you can see the real magic in this game (both laugh) Arin: What is that? Why is that there? Why did you do that?! Arin: Which one’s the queen? Okay this is the queen. Dan: Yes. Arin: And the king is got the cross on top. Dan: correct. Arin: Cause he’s a religious- Dan: He’s a man of God. Arin: He’s- He’s a- he is a man of- Dan: He is the closest you can be to God Arin: Uh, okay, I’m gonna… Dan: According to medieval… whatever. Arin: Check this out! Dan: Oh shiiit! Arin: What do you think of that action? Dan: I think it’s- Arin: do you think that’s hot and sexy and sultry? Dan: Yeah. Yeah I do actually. Arin: Is that giving you a raging hard on? ( both laugh ) Arin: Is that giving you a large Hadron collider? Dan: Yeah, it is. Dan: uh… Arin: Are you gonna collide with my Hadron? That’s a never joke. That’s a never joke, as in it’s never been made. Or never will be made Dan: You’re just gonna take it huh? Oh, no. Arin: I’m not just gonna take it I’m gonna back that ass up. Dan: Oh you, well, you’re about to take it in other ways. Arin: Uh oh. Dan: Yeah. Arin: Uh oh. Dan: You can’t- you can’t fight my wall of impending pawn doom! Arin: (laughs) Pawn doom? Well, what if I escape again? Dan: Haha! You mean to the only place you can possibly go? Arin: Then shwat’ll you do? Dan: (laughs) Arin: Now, I am on the run consistently and you’ve advanced! Dan: You’re right! Can’t argue with that. Arin: (laughing) How do you feel about that, motherfuckaaaa? Dan: (laughs) Dan: Oh goodness gracious. Arin: No, don’t Dan. Don’t! Dan: What do you mean don’t? Arin: Don’t move it! Dan: “Noooo, stop!” Arin: I’m scared of the potential action that will ensue Dan: (laughs) Arin: AaAaAaHHHHH! My pawn is thritinned! Dan: I mean, maybe it is maybe it isn’t, it’s hard to know because so many fucking things are in the way… (laughs) of- of seeing. Arin: Okay, check this shit out. Dan: Hopefully everyone out there knows how to play chess or has some rudimentary… Arin: Okay. Here’s- Here are the rules of chess. Don’t lose. Dan: Yeah, there you go. Oh yeah. Arin: Boom. Dan: Castle. Sweet castle. Sweet animation too for the castling. Arin: Castle fuckin’… Don’t even get me started. Don’t even get me started. I’m going to break down your castle with some fuckin’… artillery Bro. Dan: Okay. Arin: It’s coming at you in the form of knights and bishops being taken by your pawns (laughs). Dan: Boy, I do not understand what you’re talking about right now. Arin: Yeah, well, I’m trying to threaten you with non-threatening words Dan: (laughs) Arin: What’s happening? Dan: It’s pretty great. Arin: Uh… What did you just do? What did you do? Why did you do that? Arin: This isn’t doing shit! This knight’s not doing shit for me… right now! Uhhhhhh….. How about this? Take that! Dan: Yeah, how about this place that it can’t move to? Arin: Why? Dan: Oh no, there it can move, there it can. Arin: Fucking- whoa! Dan: Whoaa- Ohhh! Arin: Yay, that’s- wait. Hold on… Dan: Oh god. Oh, I guess they’re magnetized… to the board. Arin: Wait, how am I supposed to… Oh God… Dan: Oh boy… Whoa goodness. Whoa goodness gracioses. Arin: Oh. Oh, it’s only two ways to rotate it Dan: Oh, please stop! Arin: It’s this way… Dan: Please stop. Arin: And this way. Dan: I’m gonna barf. Arin: Okay, hold on… Arin: Let it- Let’s like cock it a little bit so it’s- how’s that? Wait, that’s- that’s worse! Dan: Yeah, it’s the best, Arin. Arin: And then you can’t even tell the pieces they are from above! Dan: Arin, oh God please stop! Arin: (laughing) Dan: Please stop, I’m gonna throw up. Arin: Alright here, you get a little action on your side now.. Dan: Okay this is yeah, this is pretty sweet Arin: You can totally see what the pieces are… Now. Dan: Oh God. Arin: Who fucking decided this was a good way to play chess?! Dan: Fuck, and now all the controls are upside down too. Arin: What?! Dan: Like moving up- Arin: Are you serious?!
(both laugh) Dan: Oh God… Arin: I’ll just… Rotate it back! Dan: Oh God in heaven… what were they thinking?!
(Arin still laughing) Dan: All right, I – I mean this… Arin: Virtual chess 64! Arin: I wish this playthrough was- was- existed in 1998 as a commercial for virtual chess 64. Dan: Yeah, and even then we’d be like “what the fuck is going on?” Arin: What is this? What did you just do? What did you just do?? Dan: I protected myself so you can’t get the fucking fork on the queen and the rook with the knight. Arin: (sighs) Well, that’s what I wanted
(Dan laughs) Dan: Well, why didn’t you take my needs into account? Arin: Uhhh- Man, I’m bone zoned. You’re too good at chess man. I can’t do shit. Dan: Well, you said it’s your goal to beat me at chess by 2018. So this is- Arin: …Did I say that?! Dan: Yeah! Arin: Ah, man, why do I keep setting unrealistic goals for myself?
(Dan laughs) Arin: Shit- Dan: Oh boy…. Arin: Uh, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna make some action satisfaction happen. Arin: No…I don’t want that… Dan: No- no play chess man. Arin: But it’s hard! Now I gotta like think for like an hour! Dan: …well… Arin: (frustrated noises) Arin: Zip zap! Dan: Zip zap zappity doo Arin: All right. I’m gonna. I’m gonna back up that bish, bro. Dan: Back dat bissssh! Arin: I mean, I don’t want to talk out lou- I don’t want to say what I’m doing. Arin: You know I mean I don’t wanna give away my sick strats or anything. Dan: I can see that. I got- I got those eyes (laughs). Dan: …um… Arin: You got those chelven eyes… That’s a chess elf. Dan: (laughs) Dan: Let’s get this party going Arin: Are- are you are you-? Dan, are you getting the party going? Dan: Yeah, yeah. The party’s going now. Arin: Okay, okay. Here’s what’s happening: Dan: Uh, huh? Arin: Here’s it. Oh my God, this is like a super trade right now! Dan: Yeah. Arin: It’s-it’s-it’s knight and then bish’ and then, oh no just pawn Dan: Yes. Arin: And then knight and then bish’… Dan: Correct. Arin: And then-and then what? Dan: And then nothing. Arin: And then well.. Dan: And then a whole lot of jack sassy-
Arin: Mmmm, says you.
Dan: That’s my new word for nothing. Arin: Jassy. Dan: Jack sassy. Arin: Jack Sassy. Dan: ‘You guys brought jack sassy to the party?’, that means they brought nothing. Arin: So you think. Dan: Oh? Oh? OH? OH? Are we fighting-are we fighting? Arin: So you think– Dan: We’re fighting! Arin: So you think! Dan: Oh my, God. Arin: Bro, so you think– What the FUCK is this?! Dan: Are you serious? Arin: What is–what the hell? It’s a unicorn!! Dan: Yeah, because you’re white. So you’re the good one, and I’m black, so I’m like an evil battering ram thing. Dan: Aw man, now I got to kill a unicorn?! Arin: Yeah. Dan: That’s like my least favorite thing to do in the world! Alright… Arin: (laughing) If you can make it. Dan: Yeah, geez. Arin: Oh shit… Dan: What’re pawns- Oh, oh God, they’re- Arin: (stupid voice) HELLOOOOOOOOO! Dan: OH! God, Arin, please! Arin: I’m not doing that! Dan: That was the real animation? Arin: That’s the game! Dan: Oh, that’s disgraceful. Arin: Check this shit out! (sings) DUN NUH DUN NUH- Taking your pawn!
(both laugh) Arin: Y’all ready for this!? Both: (Singing the beginning to “Ya’ll Ready For This?” from Space Jam) DUN DUN DUN DUNDUN DUN DUN DUNDUN…. Arin I take your pawn! Now you’re tiny man! Dan: (laughing) Oh my, God! Arin: Insert yourselves into the lung- lungs of the poor! Dan: My God this sucks. Alright, uh… Arin: How dare you. How fucking dare you? Dan: Um… Arin: You piece of trash. Dan: Whoa, Arin. Arin: You garbage–You garbage disposal. Dan: You garbage human. Um… Mmm is that what I want? Arin: Piece of human trash. Dan: That’s what I want. Arin: Oh, gosh, oh, God in Heaven! Dan: What am I? An evil little–what are these things!? What country with this made in? Arin: (witch laugh) Arin: Yeah, I feel like that’s like- Arin: Romanian lore or something.
Dan: Yeah, exactly. Arin: Or it’s like, “well the green pixie elf…” Dan: Krampuss. Dammit, I made the wrong decision. A: Yeah, that’s what I’m saying! Dan: I did, I did. Arin: Uhhh…
Dan: Good choice. Arin: Well- well now that you say that, now I’m like oh shit is there more opportunity for me? Than what I thought was open for me? Arin: Mmm… Arin: Mmm… Dan: it might have just been less opportunity for me. Arin: Okay, well, I’ll just do it then. Dan: No, it was more opportunity you could have gotten a pawn for free. Arin: Oh… Whatever. Dan: Alright… Arin: Eat him, eat him! You can’t even see the action cuz the fucking thing switches! Dan: Boy, this is terrible Arin: What pawn? Oh, that pawn. Dan: Yeah- How did it crash through the glass– there’s no glass here. Oh well. Arin: Glassy ass I don’t know. Dan: yeah seems that way. Arin: Maybe the board is made out of glass, and it’s just like stained glass… Dan: (laughing) Oh my, God! Arin: Oh, look she’s so heavy. She killed the horse.
“So pretty…” Dan: Oh, that’s the queen? That’s the evil queen? Arin: Oh my, God really? Dan: Yeah. So hot. Arin: SO hot. So hot to trot dude. I’m gonna threaten you motherfuckaaa! Arin: What now bitch? What y’all gonna do!? Dan: Um, I’m gonna take it cuz it’s an empty threat? It’s not backed up by anything. Arin: Oh, snap there goes– Dan: UGH! Stop twirling the board! Arin: –there goes dead. Dan: Boy, she just– Arin: Is it an empty threat? IS IT!? Dan: Oh! That’s your queen! Arin: Oh, shit! Dan: Ohhhhh, I thought that was your king!! Awwwwww! Arin: (singing) DUN DUN DUNDUN My queen stabbed yo queen, bitch! Dan: Oh my, God! Arin: You got dat queen, motherfuckAAAAH! Dan: Oh my God, wow, I totally thought that was your king! Dan: Goddamn the graphics-
Arin: I castled my king! Dan: Goddamn the graphics on this game! Arin: (laughs) Dan: Aw, so bad, wow… That’s- I’m really in trouble now, um… Oh jeez, I’m in horrible situations now uh…. Arin: What y’all gonna do bitch? Dan: Not much. Arin: Your knight is gonna get fucking nom-nommed! Dan: No.. I can stop that. Arin: Back that shit up. Dan: But-but, I mean I’m in terrible trouble. Arin: Back. Dat. Ass. Up! Dan: (chuckles) Arin: Damn, girl! Yo ass thicc- Arin: Sorry, I got a little – (both laughing) I got a little out of hand there.
Dan: I’m sorry. I- I can’t, uh, apologize enough. I- I’ve embarrassed myself. Arin: Now what do I do? I gotta take advantage of this situation; the pressure’s on! The pressure’s on like Donkey Kine. Dan: (laughs) Donkey Kine? Arin: Yeah. (laughs) I’m just trying to- I’m just trying to make conversation. Ummmmm… Dan: *humming* Arin: There’s so many moves I could just make for free, so I guess I’ll just do that. Dan: Yes. Arin: I’ll make… da moves for da frees Dan: For dvhssj. Arin: I’ll move along to pawns and you can move along– Dan: The paw-uhns? Dan: Oh man… so Bonington! I’m so Sir Bonington! Arin: You’re so boned, bro. So boned. You move that knight I take that rook! Arin: Kind of.. I threatened that rook at least. Dan: Yeah, um… Arin: Oh, oh, I see how this is! Double Jeopardy on my pawns? Arin: You’re really breaking new ground there Copernicus! (laughs) Dan: What the fuck? Dan: Arin. Arin: What? Dan: (laughing) Double Jeopardy on my pawns. Arin: Well, you got a queen in there, too, so that’s cool! Great. I don’t care. You think you’re so fucking smart, but you’re not. Dan: Nnn okay. Arin: Fucking… Arin: Shit, yeah watch this. Ha!
…I hope I didn’t fuck myself. I’m just trying to I’m trying to make it happen Cap-tin Dan: ‘Capt-in’ Arin: Just wanted to over enunciate the part that doesn’t rhyme. Arin: Aw, shit-! Dan: (singing) Arin: I’m about ready to took that rook What are you doing? What-What is it that you’re doing right now? Dan: I don’t know, man. What do you think I’m doing? Arin: I don’t know what I think you’re doing! Dan: Wow. All right, well first of all Arin: Did I like fall right into your trap or…? Dan: It wasn’t exactly a trap but first of all, you took my bishop But you did lose your queen. Arin: Did I? Dan: Yeah, because my bishop is backing it up. Arin: Oh my bad. Arin: Yeah, that’s what I figured. Dan: Yeah, but like it wasn’t exactly a trap. I was just trying to get my rook in the open air so he could like move across the board. Arin: Oh, so it was– It was like a ‘I don’t even have to worry about this because it’s so dumb’ and then I did the dumb thing and then you were like oh, well. Dan: Well, I mean now we’re even. Does that queen only have one foot? Arin: Well, no, well they’re together because she’s a beautiful lady, and she values her femininity. Dan: And she values Chinese foot-binding– like much royalty. Arin: I will do this. How about that? Dan: I love it. Arin: Take it. Dan: I will not take it. Arin: Why not?! Dan: (laughing) Arin… Arin: PLEASE! Dan: (laughing) Arin: I’m begging you! Dan: Give me something! Arin: From the cockles of my soul! Dan: Oh boy Yeesh.. um… Arin: Go ahead, make some bread maybe that bishop will end up dead. (both laugh) Dan: Nice. Um…. Oh… Shit balls Arin: Yeah, right? That was a good move. Dan: It was a very good move! Arin: I’m gonna pat myself on the back of the neck there. Dan: I got skills– Arin: Cause in my culture… In my culture that’s what you do. Dan: Okay. A: Good pat them on the back of the neck. Dan: Alright, I think we’re about halfway through this game want to do next time on Game Grumps; then make it a two-parter? Arin: Next time on Fame Grumps. Dan: Alright. We’ll finish this tomorrow, and oh God what a shit show this has turned into Arin: I know right? Dan: I love it Arin: We’re both really good at chess. Dan: Yeeeeah, I don’t know about that…. Arin: All the chess club kids are like, ‘fuck these guys’. Dan: (laughs) ‘They’re too good!’